Following a crisis in our lives, it is not unusual to look back and wish we had done things differently. Maybe it was something that was said to a spouse or partner that was insensitive or misinterpreted. Maybe it was rushing the time that you were able to spend with your baby. Or, maybe it was making the choice not to take pictures and now wishing you had.
The bottom line is, all any of us can do when living in crisis is to simply make the best decisions possible at the time. When our world feels like it's crashing down around us, it only makes sense that the things we choose might not be the same as those we would under different circumstances. In the midst of deep grief, it's easy to get caught up in the regrets and think about them to the point of driving ourselves crazy. If our partner in any way seems to be holding those decisions against us, the situation is ripe for a lot of pain and misunderstanding.
I would like to know if any of you have experienced significant regrets and what you did to be able to move on. I can share some of my own experiences, but would like to hear from you first. Thanks!
Why us?
There was a new post yesterday under the Self-Esteem heading on this blog. As the dad mentioned, he was not sure he was necessarily facing a self-esteem issue, but was more struggling with the question of "why us?".
I certainly experienced the same feeling when Kathleen died. How can something like this happen to two people who wanted a baby so much? How can it happen to two people who are good parents and want to share their love with a child? How can it happen to people who have a belief system and try to live their lives accordingly? The questions can go on and on. I just wish that with the wisdom I have gained in the last 25-years I could say I have an answer, but I don't. I think the closest thing to an answer I can come up with is that there is no answer.
However, I can assure you that you are likely going to hear all sorts of theories from people who are trying to make you feel better. Things like, "it was meant to be," and "God has a plan for all of us," "there must have been something wrong," or, "you just have to try again." Again, the comments will go on and on. Keep in mind that most of those people are simply trying to find the same answers you are and are sincerely attempting to be helpful.
The dad who wrote the post also made comments about being angry with others who had children. He even mentioned feeling a sense of shame for being the father of a child who died. But it was his last sentence that really touched me. He said, "It is a helplessness that seems to be cruelly designed to crush a man." I have never had anyone so eloquently describe exactly how I felt at the time of our loss...helplessness cruelly designed to crush me.
With the benefit of time and healing on my side, I can see now that the helplessness, anger, and envy are all part of what we refer to as grief. They are just some of the emotions held in the grief capsule, and when we can express them, we are taking steps toward healing. I know that is of little consolation when you are in pain, but I hope you can find some hope in that.
Thank you to each of you who make a contribution by reading or writing something on this blog, or others like it. You are touching people in countless ways.
I certainly experienced the same feeling when Kathleen died. How can something like this happen to two people who wanted a baby so much? How can it happen to two people who are good parents and want to share their love with a child? How can it happen to people who have a belief system and try to live their lives accordingly? The questions can go on and on. I just wish that with the wisdom I have gained in the last 25-years I could say I have an answer, but I don't. I think the closest thing to an answer I can come up with is that there is no answer.
However, I can assure you that you are likely going to hear all sorts of theories from people who are trying to make you feel better. Things like, "it was meant to be," and "God has a plan for all of us," "there must have been something wrong," or, "you just have to try again." Again, the comments will go on and on. Keep in mind that most of those people are simply trying to find the same answers you are and are sincerely attempting to be helpful.
The dad who wrote the post also made comments about being angry with others who had children. He even mentioned feeling a sense of shame for being the father of a child who died. But it was his last sentence that really touched me. He said, "It is a helplessness that seems to be cruelly designed to crush a man." I have never had anyone so eloquently describe exactly how I felt at the time of our loss...helplessness cruelly designed to crush me.
With the benefit of time and healing on my side, I can see now that the helplessness, anger, and envy are all part of what we refer to as grief. They are just some of the emotions held in the grief capsule, and when we can express them, we are taking steps toward healing. I know that is of little consolation when you are in pain, but I hope you can find some hope in that.
Thank you to each of you who make a contribution by reading or writing something on this blog, or others like it. You are touching people in countless ways.
Self-esteem
Someone recently mentioned that they wished Sherokee Ilse and I had included a section on "self-esteem" in our recently published book, Couple Communication After A Baby Dies -- Differing Perspectives. While we do touch on the topic periodically throughout the book, we did not devote an entire section to it.
The person who brought this to our attention explained that they had some pretty serious self-esteem issues following their loss because they felt like they had failed. Obviously some women feel their bodies somehow failed their baby and men struggle with wondering why they were not better able to protect their family from devastation. I recall adding another dimension to that when I started to feel like a failure as a husband -- as well as father -- because there didn't seem to be anything I could do that would help Monica "move on".
Once someone starts to feel bad about themselves, it can spiral into showing itself in all sorts of ways, most of which are not healthy. It seems that when we are able to be totally logical, we can understand that we did not intentially do anything to hurt our baby, and there are simply some things in life that we are unable to control. Unfortunately, when we're extremely sad and depressed, logic does not come easily.
I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences with this issue. Nothing is more healing than knowing we're not alone and hearing how others coped.
The person who brought this to our attention explained that they had some pretty serious self-esteem issues following their loss because they felt like they had failed. Obviously some women feel their bodies somehow failed their baby and men struggle with wondering why they were not better able to protect their family from devastation. I recall adding another dimension to that when I started to feel like a failure as a husband -- as well as father -- because there didn't seem to be anything I could do that would help Monica "move on".
Once someone starts to feel bad about themselves, it can spiral into showing itself in all sorts of ways, most of which are not healthy. It seems that when we are able to be totally logical, we can understand that we did not intentially do anything to hurt our baby, and there are simply some things in life that we are unable to control. Unfortunately, when we're extremely sad and depressed, logic does not come easily.
I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences with this issue. Nothing is more healing than knowing we're not alone and hearing how others coped.
Father's Day is Coming
After losing a baby, Father's Day can be one of those days that you face with mixed emotions. No matter what your circumstances are or how many living children you might have, it often is a day to stop and wonder what might have been.
For those of you with recent losses, I can tell you that I believe this days does get easier over time. Not because you forget, but because you heal. Healing is obviously the ultimate goal for all of us, because anything short of that robs us of our ability to truly enjoy life and I don't think any of our children would want that for us. The thing to keep in mind, however, is that in order to heal, you must first allow yourselves to hurt. Too many times, men think that by stuffing their pain as deep in the recesses of their mind as they can, they will be able to "skip" the grief and the hurt. I'm here to tell you that it won't work. You may be able to kid yourself for months -- or even years -- but it will almost certainly come back to bite you at some point.
So, keep a couple things in mind.
First of all -- whether you have other living children or not -- you are a dad. Try not to ever deny yourself that honor.
Secondly, consider letting the people around you know what would make this Father's Day special for you. They can't read your mind and you likely are not necessarily coming off on the outside the same way you are feeling on the inside. Some of us have a real gift for that little quality!
Finally, please accept my congratulations on being a dad, and best wishes for making this day meaningful to you. Not only do you deserve it, but your children do as well.
For those of you with recent losses, I can tell you that I believe this days does get easier over time. Not because you forget, but because you heal. Healing is obviously the ultimate goal for all of us, because anything short of that robs us of our ability to truly enjoy life and I don't think any of our children would want that for us. The thing to keep in mind, however, is that in order to heal, you must first allow yourselves to hurt. Too many times, men think that by stuffing their pain as deep in the recesses of their mind as they can, they will be able to "skip" the grief and the hurt. I'm here to tell you that it won't work. You may be able to kid yourself for months -- or even years -- but it will almost certainly come back to bite you at some point.
So, keep a couple things in mind.
First of all -- whether you have other living children or not -- you are a dad. Try not to ever deny yourself that honor.
Secondly, consider letting the people around you know what would make this Father's Day special for you. They can't read your mind and you likely are not necessarily coming off on the outside the same way you are feeling on the inside. Some of us have a real gift for that little quality!
Finally, please accept my congratulations on being a dad, and best wishes for making this day meaningful to you. Not only do you deserve it, but your children do as well.
A great weekend at Faith's Lodge
I'm slowing at posting this because things have gotten kind of busy ... which is a good thing when you are a small business owner in a poor economy.
Sherokee Ilse and I lead a couple's retreat at Faith's Lodge in northern Wisconsin on Mother's Day weekend. It was a fantastic experience and once again reminded me of the many blessings Kathleen's life has brought me.
Being around young families who have had more recent losses is never easy, and it almost sounds strange to say we had a fun weekend ... but we did. There was much laughter and certainly a fair amount of crying, but the openness and sharing that took place is what meant the most to me. Hearing parents, men in particular, talk about how their lives have changed and their priorities rearranged since their loss, gives me hope that all the pain we have experienced has not been for nothing. It once again proves that it is possible to learn and grow from even the most horrendous experiences that life might toss at us.
Each of the couples at the retreat had a very unique story -- but those stories also shared a common thread. These moms and dads loved and wanted their babies and they will spend the rest of their lives remembering and honoring them, learning to incorporate their memory into their own present and future. I have no doubt that they will be successful in doing that, and their children will continue to touch countless people in the years to come.
If you are not aware of it already, check out Faith's Lodge, and consider spending some time there. It truly is a place of healing and hope.
Sherokee Ilse and I lead a couple's retreat at Faith's Lodge in northern Wisconsin on Mother's Day weekend. It was a fantastic experience and once again reminded me of the many blessings Kathleen's life has brought me.
Being around young families who have had more recent losses is never easy, and it almost sounds strange to say we had a fun weekend ... but we did. There was much laughter and certainly a fair amount of crying, but the openness and sharing that took place is what meant the most to me. Hearing parents, men in particular, talk about how their lives have changed and their priorities rearranged since their loss, gives me hope that all the pain we have experienced has not been for nothing. It once again proves that it is possible to learn and grow from even the most horrendous experiences that life might toss at us.
Each of the couples at the retreat had a very unique story -- but those stories also shared a common thread. These moms and dads loved and wanted their babies and they will spend the rest of their lives remembering and honoring them, learning to incorporate their memory into their own present and future. I have no doubt that they will be successful in doing that, and their children will continue to touch countless people in the years to come.
If you are not aware of it already, check out Faith's Lodge, and consider spending some time there. It truly is a place of healing and hope.
A Father's Day Poem
Sherokee Ilse, is a good friend and co-author of the Couple Communication book we just published. She and her husband, David, have been good friends of Monica and mine since shortly after our babies died. Our baby's lives brought us together and in the last 25 years we have shared many good, and some sad, times together. Sherokee just sent me this poem she recently wrote and asked me to share it. Here it is:
Who Remembers You?
Dad, supporting mom along the way
Waiting for the time and day
When you can hold your daughter or son
And you can finally be the one
To toss your babe above your head
And tuck him in his waiting bed
Make a toy or buy a drum
Your time was near, but did not come.
Who knew you would be standing nigh
And have to prematurely say goodbye?
This day is yours and yet it's not
The others don't see the many tears you fought
To hold within and look so strong
As you tried to do nothing wrong.
On this your special Father's Day
Remember your baby who would want to say,
"I love you Dad. You are the one.
I'll always be your daughter or son.
Feel my kiss upon your cheek
And know that someday I believe we'll meet.
Until then, let your tears come, (or not)
And love my mommy lots and lots."
S. Ilse 2009
Who Remembers You?
Dad, supporting mom along the way
Waiting for the time and day
When you can hold your daughter or son
And you can finally be the one
To toss your babe above your head
And tuck him in his waiting bed
Make a toy or buy a drum
Your time was near, but did not come.
Who knew you would be standing nigh
And have to prematurely say goodbye?
This day is yours and yet it's not
The others don't see the many tears you fought
To hold within and look so strong
As you tried to do nothing wrong.
On this your special Father's Day
Remember your baby who would want to say,
"I love you Dad. You are the one.
I'll always be your daughter or son.
Feel my kiss upon your cheek
And know that someday I believe we'll meet.
Until then, let your tears come, (or not)
And love my mommy lots and lots."
S. Ilse 2009
Abuse has no excuse....
Hey... I am a part of several infant loss discussion groups around the world, and one of the things that I have been hearing about is men who are having trouble dealing with their grief and are turning to some level of violence (emotional or physical) as they become more and more angry.
Few people understand anger, helplessness, and low self-esteem better than I do. If you are experiencing any of those feelings (or others), my heart goes out to you. But I think it's important that everyone remember that even during the most difficult times, we have choices. While we can't change what has already happened and need to remember that our baby's deaths were not because of a personal failure, we must take responsibility for how we move forward.
As time passes, if you find yourself getting more and more angry about your situation and feeling hopeless, know that lashing out at your partner or other children is not a viable option. Most likely the way you are acting is not normal for you and may even be hard for you to recognize.... but if ANYONE is saying that your behavior has become hurtful, listen to them and be willing to take a long hard look at yourself and how you are coping. If you aren't willing to do that, you may find yourself alone. ASK YOURSELF -- Is that what you want? Is that what your baby would have wanted for you?
As difficult as it is, there are ways of letting off steam in a much more productive way.
At the very least, post a comment here or contact a friend or professional you trust.
Start taking steps to heal by allowing yourself to be honest,
Remember that you are not alone,
Know that you are not a terrible husband or father,
Understand that your pain is real and justified,
Realize that the choice to take positive steps is yours, and yours only
Finally, keep in mind that there are those of us who have gone down this road before you, and because of that, we want to be able to help in whatever way we can.
Few people understand anger, helplessness, and low self-esteem better than I do. If you are experiencing any of those feelings (or others), my heart goes out to you. But I think it's important that everyone remember that even during the most difficult times, we have choices. While we can't change what has already happened and need to remember that our baby's deaths were not because of a personal failure, we must take responsibility for how we move forward.
As time passes, if you find yourself getting more and more angry about your situation and feeling hopeless, know that lashing out at your partner or other children is not a viable option. Most likely the way you are acting is not normal for you and may even be hard for you to recognize.... but if ANYONE is saying that your behavior has become hurtful, listen to them and be willing to take a long hard look at yourself and how you are coping. If you aren't willing to do that, you may find yourself alone. ASK YOURSELF -- Is that what you want? Is that what your baby would have wanted for you?
As difficult as it is, there are ways of letting off steam in a much more productive way.
At the very least, post a comment here or contact a friend or professional you trust.
Start taking steps to heal by allowing yourself to be honest,
Remember that you are not alone,
Know that you are not a terrible husband or father,
Understand that your pain is real and justified,
Realize that the choice to take positive steps is yours, and yours only
Finally, keep in mind that there are those of us who have gone down this road before you, and because of that, we want to be able to help in whatever way we can.
When you get "blindsided" by your grief
Sometimes you can think you have "moved on" and dealt with your sadness but then, suddenly out of nowhere, something triggers your grief.
No... you aren't going crazy.
I remember the first time it happened to me was a few weeks after Kathleen's death. It was a beautiful day and I had run to the grocery store alone to pick up some things. It was a good day and I was feeling fine. When I turned down the diaper aisle, my sadness hit me out of the blue. I could barely move and knew that I was going to break down if I didn't escape. I left my cart full of groceries, walked out of the store, and went home feeling like I was losing my mind.
Come to find out, that was not a particularly unusual thing to have happen and it didn't happen again for a long time, partially I think because I was aware it might.
For a lot of men, their dreams for their child that died focuses much more on the future than it does the newborn stage. I was speaking at a conference with Sherokee Ilse once and we had couples in the room draw a picture as they envisioned themselves that day with the child they had lost. Most women drew pictures of themselves cradling and rocking their baby. Men, on the other hand, were much more likely to draw pictures of themselves playing ball, seeing their child in ballet slippers, or walking a bride down the aisle.
I have another story to share about an incident that occurred much later in life, but I'll write about that later.
How about it, guys? Anything to share that might help a dad in the future keep from feeling like they are going crazy? Thanks!
No... you aren't going crazy.
I remember the first time it happened to me was a few weeks after Kathleen's death. It was a beautiful day and I had run to the grocery store alone to pick up some things. It was a good day and I was feeling fine. When I turned down the diaper aisle, my sadness hit me out of the blue. I could barely move and knew that I was going to break down if I didn't escape. I left my cart full of groceries, walked out of the store, and went home feeling like I was losing my mind.
Come to find out, that was not a particularly unusual thing to have happen and it didn't happen again for a long time, partially I think because I was aware it might.
For a lot of men, their dreams for their child that died focuses much more on the future than it does the newborn stage. I was speaking at a conference with Sherokee Ilse once and we had couples in the room draw a picture as they envisioned themselves that day with the child they had lost. Most women drew pictures of themselves cradling and rocking their baby. Men, on the other hand, were much more likely to draw pictures of themselves playing ball, seeing their child in ballet slippers, or walking a bride down the aisle.
I have another story to share about an incident that occurred much later in life, but I'll write about that later.
How about it, guys? Anything to share that might help a dad in the future keep from feeling like they are going crazy? Thanks!
Going to a support group ....
I resisted going to a support group. The thought of being in a room full of other sad people sounded depressing to me. I also was afraid that I would break down and cry -- which terrified me.
Monica and I didn't really argue, but we sure didn't agree as to whether we should go. Finally I agreed to go to one session, with the understanding that if I didn't like it, I wouldn't go back.
I was very nervous that first night, but relieved to see several other dads. Luckily for me, the man next to me spoke first about his loss and where he was at. As he spoke, he broke down and sobbed. He didn't even attempt to hold back. To my amazement, no one went running out the room, laughed at him, or in any way showed anything but sympathy and understanding toward him. That was a turning point for me, because I thought if he could do that, I wouldn't be afraid to. The support group became a place I looked forward to going -- not only because we made wonderful friends, but it was the one place I could let down and did not need to hold back. That man's tears were one of the greatest gifts I got at that time.
How about you? Did you go to a group? If so, how was it? If you didn't, do you regret it? Did your decision either way cause disagreements with your partner?
This is a big stumbling block for lots of guys. Let's give them some information to help them decide how they want to move forward. Thanks
Monica and I didn't really argue, but we sure didn't agree as to whether we should go. Finally I agreed to go to one session, with the understanding that if I didn't like it, I wouldn't go back.
I was very nervous that first night, but relieved to see several other dads. Luckily for me, the man next to me spoke first about his loss and where he was at. As he spoke, he broke down and sobbed. He didn't even attempt to hold back. To my amazement, no one went running out the room, laughed at him, or in any way showed anything but sympathy and understanding toward him. That was a turning point for me, because I thought if he could do that, I wouldn't be afraid to. The support group became a place I looked forward to going -- not only because we made wonderful friends, but it was the one place I could let down and did not need to hold back. That man's tears were one of the greatest gifts I got at that time.
How about you? Did you go to a group? If so, how was it? If you didn't, do you regret it? Did your decision either way cause disagreements with your partner?
This is a big stumbling block for lots of guys. Let's give them some information to help them decide how they want to move forward. Thanks
Meaningful Keepsakes....
Hey guys, someone asked me today what I thought father's would like for Father's Day as a remembrance of their child that died. Anyone have suggestions? Are there some of you who would rather not have that acknowledged? If so, maybe share why it would be hard. Thanks!
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