Make Decisions Together!

Sometimes in the moment of chaos and hurt, men will attempt make decisions for their spouse/partner in an attempt to help protect them. I did this, and it ended up being a mistake.

When Kathleen was born in the early 1980s, people still had the option (in Minnesota, anyway) of choosing whether they wanted the hospital to handle the baby's body for burial through a funeral home they worked with or whether they wanted to do it themselves through a funeral home they hired themselves. Even though Kathleen was full term, I was not sure what was acceptable. All I knew was that I was overwhelmed with sadness, scared to death of having a funeral where I would either cry or no one would show up, and wanting to protect Monica from having to make that decision. I signed the papers the hospital social worker brought me giving consent to the hospital and never asked Monica about it.

This is just one of many stories I've heard where decisions get made for noble reasons, but it can end up causing problems down the road.

Talk to each other. Don't assume. Don't take the "easy" way in an attempt to avoid your sadness. Long term, you'll likely regret it.

Any other stories? Comments?

Ladies -- feel free to ask questions

Even though this blog is intended to be a place for men to talk about how they're doing following the death of an infant, I want women to feel free to ask questions that might help them better understand their husband/partner. Sometimes just knowing that the reactions they are seeing are not necessarily unique, helps moms be able to be a little more patient and willing to approach their communication a little differently. I look forward to hearing from you.

What about the anger?

It's pretty normal to be angry following a difficult loss like that of losing a child. The question becomes, what do we do with that anger? Where do we direct it? How do we express it in a healthy way? How do we determine when it's getting out of hand and becoming destructive?

This is an important issue, guys, and one that can be dangerous to marriages if not dealt with. This is an anonymous way to talk about it, so I hope to hear from you. Thanks...