Someone posted this morning a question about whether to get their boss something to acknowledge his loss after the stillbirthof his child. Co-workers were telling her it was inappropriate, but she wanted to hear from people who have "been there". (The post appears under the heading of "It's the small things that count") Below is my response to her, but I am wondering what others think? Thanks
I always want to stress that everyone is different in how they react to their grief, so what I am saying is how I felt/feel, but obviously I am not your boss.
My gut reaction to your question is that your co-workers are well intentioned, but I would not agree with them. One of the things I hear repeatedly from fathers is stories about going back to work and having everyone act like nothing happened. Not only does no one ask how they are doing, some people avoid them because of their discomfort with the situation, and sometimes rooms even go silent when they walk into a meeting or the lunch room.
I personally think that the real question is WHAT you might get him to acknowledge that you are thinking about him. I own my own company and my employees were wonderful about supporting me. One person even came to the house to visit, and I remember how thoughtful that gesture was and how much it meant to both my wife and I. The others in the office did not buy anything other than a card, but again the gesture meant the world to me and certainly let my wife know they were thinking of her as well.
Depending on a lot of different factors, including what your relationship is normally like with your boss, I would definitely say a card would be appropriate -- and I hope that others in the company may have done something similar. Also, most moms AND dads I know wish that people would use the baby's name when speaking to them about their loss, since one of the biggest fears as a parent is that everyone will forget your child ever existed or that they were not "real" to others-- or at least mattered. So a personalized inexpensive gift with the baby's name would be very nice, in my opinion.
Finally, I would say in the card (or the card that accompanies the gift) that you were not sure what you should do to acknowledge his loss, but that you felt terrible and just really wanted to do something... basically the same thing you said in your post. Honest expressions of feelings are what most of us want or wanted at the time... your boss may be the guy who runs the company, but he is a human being with the same feelings and emotions that others experience.
Showing posts with label father's grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label father's grief. Show all posts
Grief and social media
It seems that social media is affecting nearly everything these days, including how we grieve. We recently started a Facebook page for A Place To Remember and it's a daily challenge to know what kinds of things to post -- what is helpful? what is too much? what is just plain silly? There is no doubt that it is a changing world technologically and even less doubt that it will continue at a rapid pace.
If you are willing, let me know what you think works and what does not work as far as providing the best avenues for communicating about your grief. Whether it is how I (and you ) use this blog, a Facebook page, Twitter, or some other new fangled "app" that I likely have not even heard of yet, I would like to know what you think!
It's 2011, and what better time is there to start acting like I know what is going on with all this stuff! Thanks!!
"They Were Still Born" - NEW BOOK
They Were Still Born, By Janel Atlas: I was pleased to be asked to contribute a chapter to this new book, which is a compilation of personal reflections on stillbirth. It's a beautiful book filled with a variety of perspectives from those who have lived through this tragedy. Available from Amazon.
Facing Mother's Day & Father's Day with a pit in your stomach
I think one of the most difficult things for me is talking to couples who have lost a child in the last year and hear them speak of the dread they feel as Mother's Day and Father's Day approach. I have written about this before and encouraged moms and dads to try and find a way to get through the day as best they can while allowing themselves to celebrate the fact that they are parents of a child they loved very much. I have to admit those words can sound pretty hollow, and I can't help but think to myself, "who am I kidding? -- it sucks and there is no way of avoiding it."
It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.
I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.
There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:
1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)
2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetary or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.
3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?
I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.
Good luck. You are not alone.
Tim
It also may not really help to know that for most of us, it does get easier as time goes by and we heal to the point of being able to feel more of the joy than the pain of our child's short life. It's good to have hope, but you still have to make it through those first holidays where it seems like everyone else is celebrating while you want to crawl under a rock and hope it can just go away.
I hope those of you who read this blog that have a little more time under your belt since your loss, can share things that you found helpful as you faced these difficult times. Some of you may have shared before, but know that there are always new people coming on board who could benefit from your experience and your hard earned wisdom.
There are just a couple of things I want to say again (hollow or not) because I honestly believe they are important to remember:
1) Yes..... you are a parent. For those whose loss was your first child, sometimes it's easy to fall into the trap of not thinking you have the "right" to celebrate these special days. Adding to the misconception is the fact that family and friends wrongly believe that they should not say anything or acknowledge the day for fear it might remind you that your baby died... (if only it were that easy to make the pain go away.)
2) Be creative. If you don't feel you can celebrate the day with the traditional brunch or family gathering, try and think of ways that you can make this day special for you and your baby. If that means going to the cemetary or visiting a place you recall being happy during your pregnancy, allow yourselves the opportunity to do that. Write a note to your child, release a balloon, visit a hospital or nursing home, go for a walk, cry, laugh, plant a bush (or flower or tree), smile..... most importantly, be around people who will let you do what you need to do... no matter who or how many that is.
3) Be hopeful. Ask yourselves what your baby would want this day to be like for you?
I could rattle on for a long time trying to be profound, but I'll spare you that. I would much rather have others of you who probably did a lot better job than myself in dealing with the sadness write your thoughts. It's when you share things that can help others (even if it's letting them know they are not the only ones hurting) that you give your child a voice and let them touch the world and make it better.
Good luck. You are not alone.
Tim
Abuse has no excuse....
Hey... I am a part of several infant loss discussion groups around the world, and one of the things that I have been hearing about is men who are having trouble dealing with their grief and are turning to some level of violence (emotional or physical) as they become more and more angry.
Few people understand anger, helplessness, and low self-esteem better than I do. If you are experiencing any of those feelings (or others), my heart goes out to you. But I think it's important that everyone remember that even during the most difficult times, we have choices. While we can't change what has already happened and need to remember that our baby's deaths were not because of a personal failure, we must take responsibility for how we move forward.
As time passes, if you find yourself getting more and more angry about your situation and feeling hopeless, know that lashing out at your partner or other children is not a viable option. Most likely the way you are acting is not normal for you and may even be hard for you to recognize.... but if ANYONE is saying that your behavior has become hurtful, listen to them and be willing to take a long hard look at yourself and how you are coping. If you aren't willing to do that, you may find yourself alone. ASK YOURSELF -- Is that what you want? Is that what your baby would have wanted for you?
As difficult as it is, there are ways of letting off steam in a much more productive way.
At the very least, post a comment here or contact a friend or professional you trust.
Start taking steps to heal by allowing yourself to be honest,
Remember that you are not alone,
Know that you are not a terrible husband or father,
Understand that your pain is real and justified,
Realize that the choice to take positive steps is yours, and yours only
Finally, keep in mind that there are those of us who have gone down this road before you, and because of that, we want to be able to help in whatever way we can.
Few people understand anger, helplessness, and low self-esteem better than I do. If you are experiencing any of those feelings (or others), my heart goes out to you. But I think it's important that everyone remember that even during the most difficult times, we have choices. While we can't change what has already happened and need to remember that our baby's deaths were not because of a personal failure, we must take responsibility for how we move forward.
As time passes, if you find yourself getting more and more angry about your situation and feeling hopeless, know that lashing out at your partner or other children is not a viable option. Most likely the way you are acting is not normal for you and may even be hard for you to recognize.... but if ANYONE is saying that your behavior has become hurtful, listen to them and be willing to take a long hard look at yourself and how you are coping. If you aren't willing to do that, you may find yourself alone. ASK YOURSELF -- Is that what you want? Is that what your baby would have wanted for you?
As difficult as it is, there are ways of letting off steam in a much more productive way.
At the very least, post a comment here or contact a friend or professional you trust.
Start taking steps to heal by allowing yourself to be honest,
Remember that you are not alone,
Know that you are not a terrible husband or father,
Understand that your pain is real and justified,
Realize that the choice to take positive steps is yours, and yours only
Finally, keep in mind that there are those of us who have gone down this road before you, and because of that, we want to be able to help in whatever way we can.
Ladies -- feel free to ask questions
Even though this blog is intended to be a place for men to talk about how they're doing following the death of an infant, I want women to feel free to ask questions that might help them better understand their husband/partner. Sometimes just knowing that the reactions they are seeing are not necessarily unique, helps moms be able to be a little more patient and willing to approach their communication a little differently. I look forward to hearing from you.
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