I want to make sure you are aware of a beautiful retreat center in Northcentral Wisconsin. Faith's Lodge is a new facility specifically built for families who have a seriously ill child or who have had a child die. I attended the grand opening and can tell you that it's an absolutely gorgeous facility. The cost for staying at the lodge is extremely reasonable, but certain criteria must be met to go there. Below I have included some descriptive text from the Faith's Lodge web site as well as a link, so please check it out.
On May 8 and 9, 2009, Sherokee Ilse and I will be doing a program at the lodge for grieving couples. Sherokee and I recently published a book entitled "Couple Communication -- After a Baby Dies. Differing Perspectives," which addresses some of the issues we faced in our respective relationships with our spouses following our losses. During the workshop, we will be drawing on information from the book and hope to make the time at the retreat one of growing and healing for bereaved families. We hope you can join us.
Faith’s Lodge is a unique retreat for families who currently have a seriously ill child or have suffered the loss of a child. Located on 80 picturesque acres in the Northwoods of Wisconsin, Faith’s Lodge has eight individually designed guest suites that can each accommodate up to six people. Two suites adjoin to accommodate larger families and are handicapped accessible.
The mission of Faith's Lodge is to provide a place where parents and families facing the serious illness or death of a child can retreat to reflect on the past, renew strength for the present, and build hope for the future.
In its Northwoods setting, Faith’s Lodge provides temporary respite for guests by offering them a peaceful escape to refresh their minds and spirits, while spending time with others who understand what they are experiencing.
http://www.faithslodge.org/index.asp
Trying to control the uncontrollable.....
Thinking back, I realize now that much of my behavior in the early hours after finding out that our daughter was dead, was the result of my need to stay in control. Throughout my life, I had come to believe that staying in control of situations and my life represented strength and the path to success.
I believed that staying focused on school work and doing my best would mean that I got into a good college, and eventually landed a job that made me good money and earned me the respect of my family and peers. To a large extent, I still believe that to be true. What I did not realize at the time, was that there were situations in life I could not control.
Even though I seemed to be living the American dream by doing well in school, graduating from a good college, starting my own business, marrying my high school sweetheart, buying a home, and starting a family after 5 years of marriage -- I could not stop my daughter from dying.
There was no preparing me for facing that reality. When I found out that our baby was dead, life as I knew it began to unravel. My first thought was that my "secrets" had finally caught up with me. Maybe the college partying had taken more of a toll than I realized. Maybe God was punishing me for thoughts that I had had or lies I had told.
When the guilt set in, I tried all that much harder to control what I could. I would not allow myself to cry -- therefore I avoided situations that might make me cry. I hurried along our time alone with Kathleen because I feared the longer I was with her, the harder it would be to say goodbye. I chose to let the hospital handle her remains, because I could not fathom going to her funeral. I didn't want to have a lot of family around at the hospital because I didn't want them to see me so vulnerable.
In other words, I was out of control. When the feelings of fear and sadness blended together, my behavior made it seem like I cared much less than I did. I think it's for this reason that I always point out to moms that they need to be careful not to judge their partner's feelings by their behavior. The old, "you can't judge a book by it's cover," adage rings real true in circumstances like these -- especially for men.
The really hard part is -- sometimes we don't even know why we are reacting the way we are. We are just following our instincts on a path we've never traveled before.
I believed that staying focused on school work and doing my best would mean that I got into a good college, and eventually landed a job that made me good money and earned me the respect of my family and peers. To a large extent, I still believe that to be true. What I did not realize at the time, was that there were situations in life I could not control.
Even though I seemed to be living the American dream by doing well in school, graduating from a good college, starting my own business, marrying my high school sweetheart, buying a home, and starting a family after 5 years of marriage -- I could not stop my daughter from dying.
There was no preparing me for facing that reality. When I found out that our baby was dead, life as I knew it began to unravel. My first thought was that my "secrets" had finally caught up with me. Maybe the college partying had taken more of a toll than I realized. Maybe God was punishing me for thoughts that I had had or lies I had told.
When the guilt set in, I tried all that much harder to control what I could. I would not allow myself to cry -- therefore I avoided situations that might make me cry. I hurried along our time alone with Kathleen because I feared the longer I was with her, the harder it would be to say goodbye. I chose to let the hospital handle her remains, because I could not fathom going to her funeral. I didn't want to have a lot of family around at the hospital because I didn't want them to see me so vulnerable.
In other words, I was out of control. When the feelings of fear and sadness blended together, my behavior made it seem like I cared much less than I did. I think it's for this reason that I always point out to moms that they need to be careful not to judge their partner's feelings by their behavior. The old, "you can't judge a book by it's cover," adage rings real true in circumstances like these -- especially for men.
The really hard part is -- sometimes we don't even know why we are reacting the way we are. We are just following our instincts on a path we've never traveled before.
Make Decisions Together!
Sometimes in the moment of chaos and hurt, men will attempt make decisions for their spouse/partner in an attempt to help protect them. I did this, and it ended up being a mistake.
When Kathleen was born in the early 1980s, people still had the option (in Minnesota, anyway) of choosing whether they wanted the hospital to handle the baby's body for burial through a funeral home they worked with or whether they wanted to do it themselves through a funeral home they hired themselves. Even though Kathleen was full term, I was not sure what was acceptable. All I knew was that I was overwhelmed with sadness, scared to death of having a funeral where I would either cry or no one would show up, and wanting to protect Monica from having to make that decision. I signed the papers the hospital social worker brought me giving consent to the hospital and never asked Monica about it.
This is just one of many stories I've heard where decisions get made for noble reasons, but it can end up causing problems down the road.
Talk to each other. Don't assume. Don't take the "easy" way in an attempt to avoid your sadness. Long term, you'll likely regret it.
Any other stories? Comments?
When Kathleen was born in the early 1980s, people still had the option (in Minnesota, anyway) of choosing whether they wanted the hospital to handle the baby's body for burial through a funeral home they worked with or whether they wanted to do it themselves through a funeral home they hired themselves. Even though Kathleen was full term, I was not sure what was acceptable. All I knew was that I was overwhelmed with sadness, scared to death of having a funeral where I would either cry or no one would show up, and wanting to protect Monica from having to make that decision. I signed the papers the hospital social worker brought me giving consent to the hospital and never asked Monica about it.
This is just one of many stories I've heard where decisions get made for noble reasons, but it can end up causing problems down the road.
Talk to each other. Don't assume. Don't take the "easy" way in an attempt to avoid your sadness. Long term, you'll likely regret it.
Any other stories? Comments?
Ladies -- feel free to ask questions
Even though this blog is intended to be a place for men to talk about how they're doing following the death of an infant, I want women to feel free to ask questions that might help them better understand their husband/partner. Sometimes just knowing that the reactions they are seeing are not necessarily unique, helps moms be able to be a little more patient and willing to approach their communication a little differently. I look forward to hearing from you.
What about the anger?
It's pretty normal to be angry following a difficult loss like that of losing a child. The question becomes, what do we do with that anger? Where do we direct it? How do we express it in a healthy way? How do we determine when it's getting out of hand and becoming destructive?
This is an important issue, guys, and one that can be dangerous to marriages if not dealt with. This is an anonymous way to talk about it, so I hope to hear from you. Thanks...
This is an important issue, guys, and one that can be dangerous to marriages if not dealt with. This is an anonymous way to talk about it, so I hope to hear from you. Thanks...
Brings back memories....
I co-lead a support group this past week at the hospital where Kathleen was born still 25-years ago. It's amazing how that pit in the stomach still recurs when I drive up to that building.
Being in a room with newly bereaved parents for a couple of hours is always bittersweet. I feel like I can give them hope just by being present so many years after our loss and showing them that life does go on and, while the emptiness never goes away, it does become more tolerable.
But, my heart breaks when I see couples questioning their relationship because of the differences they're experiencing as they move through their intense grief ... wondering if they should have another child, wondering whether their spouse is really hurting or simply moving on, trying to find the words to help begin the sometimes slow and painful process of learning to communicate and share their sadness rather than trying to make it disappear. I want so badly to just give them a road map that they can follow to get through this period intact. Knowing that they have to discover that on their own is a hard pill to swallow for someone like myself who just wants to take control and make it better.
If you read this, and are at a point similar to these newly bereaved parents, I hope you will bring yourself to share some of your hopes and fears on this site. I have little doubt that by being there for one another, your relationships can not only survive -- but actually thrive.
It may require stepping outside of your comfort zone -- but you must ask yourself whether one loss really needs to result in more losses. I say it doesn't.
Being in a room with newly bereaved parents for a couple of hours is always bittersweet. I feel like I can give them hope just by being present so many years after our loss and showing them that life does go on and, while the emptiness never goes away, it does become more tolerable.
But, my heart breaks when I see couples questioning their relationship because of the differences they're experiencing as they move through their intense grief ... wondering if they should have another child, wondering whether their spouse is really hurting or simply moving on, trying to find the words to help begin the sometimes slow and painful process of learning to communicate and share their sadness rather than trying to make it disappear. I want so badly to just give them a road map that they can follow to get through this period intact. Knowing that they have to discover that on their own is a hard pill to swallow for someone like myself who just wants to take control and make it better.
If you read this, and are at a point similar to these newly bereaved parents, I hope you will bring yourself to share some of your hopes and fears on this site. I have little doubt that by being there for one another, your relationships can not only survive -- but actually thrive.
It may require stepping outside of your comfort zone -- but you must ask yourself whether one loss really needs to result in more losses. I say it doesn't.
Let me know what helps...
Since starting this blog, I've had some discussions with other dads about what they might find helpful in an online support resource like this blog. Several have mentioned that, while they use the internet for lots of things, they are somewhat uncomfortable using it for sharing feelings. I completely understand that and know that there will be varying opinions as to how people feel.
Do you have any suggestions as to what kind of discussion or format we might use on this blog that would feel safe and therefore make it easier to participate? I want this to be what is most helpful to the majority of you, so let me know! Thanks!
Do you have any suggestions as to what kind of discussion or format we might use on this blog that would feel safe and therefore make it easier to participate? I want this to be what is most helpful to the majority of you, so let me know! Thanks!
Valentine's Day
Today is Valentine's Day, and therefore a day that we are expected to be a little more sensitive and romantic than we might usually be. Some view it as purely a commercial plot to get us to spend money on frivolous things like flowers (that die in few days), chocolates (that don't help anyone's waistline), or jewelry (that we can't afford).
Regardless of your feelings, if you have had a recent loss, be especially mindful of reaching out to your partner in an even more special way today. If money is tight, just commit to taking time away from the weekend chores and sitting with her to talk. If that sounds depressing because you both have been sad (or she, especially, has been sad), maybe make an agreement that for today you aren't going to talk only about the baby and the pain you've experienced with your loss. Instead, make a deal that today's conversation will be only to talk about the things you each fell in love with when you first met and all those things that made you want to grow as a couple and eventually have a child together.
If your relationship has been tense because you seem to be in different spots and you aren't feeling like you understand each other anymore, today would be a good day to start an honest dialogue about why you might act the way you do (which is quite often -- especially for men -- a very different thing than how you really feel), and your gift to each other is to explain that -- even if you think it should be obvious or that SURELY they must really understand. My bet is that there are some very wrong perceptions being carried with the both of you, and a simple walk together, sharing a chair by the fireplace, or going for coffee or a glass of wine, will go a long way in clearing some things up.
Give it some thought. I'm guessing it would be a very wise investment on this day we are especially reminded of romance and love. Good luck.
PS: If you read this and the day has passed or it didn't go as well as you wish it would have, there is nothing to say that you can't create your own Valentine's Day tomorrow or next week. And the beauty of that is that the chocolates will be half priced and the restaurants won't be as crowded!
Regardless of your feelings, if you have had a recent loss, be especially mindful of reaching out to your partner in an even more special way today. If money is tight, just commit to taking time away from the weekend chores and sitting with her to talk. If that sounds depressing because you both have been sad (or she, especially, has been sad), maybe make an agreement that for today you aren't going to talk only about the baby and the pain you've experienced with your loss. Instead, make a deal that today's conversation will be only to talk about the things you each fell in love with when you first met and all those things that made you want to grow as a couple and eventually have a child together.
If your relationship has been tense because you seem to be in different spots and you aren't feeling like you understand each other anymore, today would be a good day to start an honest dialogue about why you might act the way you do (which is quite often -- especially for men -- a very different thing than how you really feel), and your gift to each other is to explain that -- even if you think it should be obvious or that SURELY they must really understand. My bet is that there are some very wrong perceptions being carried with the both of you, and a simple walk together, sharing a chair by the fireplace, or going for coffee or a glass of wine, will go a long way in clearing some things up.
Give it some thought. I'm guessing it would be a very wise investment on this day we are especially reminded of romance and love. Good luck.
PS: If you read this and the day has passed or it didn't go as well as you wish it would have, there is nothing to say that you can't create your own Valentine's Day tomorrow or next week. And the beauty of that is that the chocolates will be half priced and the restaurants won't be as crowded!
What has been the most difficult issue you've faced since your baby died?
I would like to hear from you what issue has been the most difficult since your loss.
Is it communicating with your partner?
Is it your anger -- at your partner, caregiver, or God, etc.?
Is it the resulting behaviors of your grief, like drinking too much, isolating yourself, or seeking gratification outside your marriage?
Is it trying to be productive at work?
Is it regaining your sex life?
Let's talk about some of these issues and hopefully find some things that will be helpful in resolving them.
Is it communicating with your partner?
Is it your anger -- at your partner, caregiver, or God, etc.?
Is it the resulting behaviors of your grief, like drinking too much, isolating yourself, or seeking gratification outside your marriage?
Is it trying to be productive at work?
Is it regaining your sex life?
Let's talk about some of these issues and hopefully find some things that will be helpful in resolving them.
Grief In The Workplace
One of the things I hear from dads most often is that their return to the workplace was awkward and sometimes even painful because of the way they were treated by co-workers and managers. I would like to get a discussion going as to how men handled this experience and what they did to make it through.
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