Make Decisions Together!

Sometimes in the moment of chaos and hurt, men will attempt make decisions for their spouse/partner in an attempt to help protect them. I did this, and it ended up being a mistake.

When Kathleen was born in the early 1980s, people still had the option (in Minnesota, anyway) of choosing whether they wanted the hospital to handle the baby's body for burial through a funeral home they worked with or whether they wanted to do it themselves through a funeral home they hired themselves. Even though Kathleen was full term, I was not sure what was acceptable. All I knew was that I was overwhelmed with sadness, scared to death of having a funeral where I would either cry or no one would show up, and wanting to protect Monica from having to make that decision. I signed the papers the hospital social worker brought me giving consent to the hospital and never asked Monica about it.

This is just one of many stories I've heard where decisions get made for noble reasons, but it can end up causing problems down the road.

Talk to each other. Don't assume. Don't take the "easy" way in an attempt to avoid your sadness. Long term, you'll likely regret it.

Any other stories? Comments?


  1. hello Tim, I am an admin on Angel Baby facebook private global angel parent support forum. It is not a foundation or grief counselling. Angel parents united in helping each other.I wondered if you would like to accept my invite to the forum ? Currently we have 69 angel mums and 6 angel dads . The forum was opened 11 days ago. You can email me at Awaiting your reply Dana

  2. This story gets to the heart of it, it is so easy to think that what you are doing or someone is doing or saying is for the best to not make anyone more sad, but what we always talk about is that we are already sad, you can't bring up something that is going to make us more sad about our daughter, she is always there for us, so i agree talking and open communication is a must. Even if it is what seems to be the more difficult thing to do, in the long run these are the pillars that we start to build ourselfs back up with. With the help of our parents and an amazing funeral home, we were able to have a very nice "celebration of life" for Birdie and so many people came to be with us in our time of loss, but also to come and connect with our daughter in the only way that they would be able to... We had her cremated so it was only her spirit that was present, but i think it gave people a chance to really connect to us and our child in a way that wouldn't have been possible without the it.

  3. Thanks for sharing that, Matt. I couldn't agree more. I'm glad you were able to find a meaningful way to celebrate Birdie's life and feel supported by family and friends...what a great gift.