Newly Bereaved Dad

I just lost my baby girls on July 16th. the were born at 19 weeks. I am not sure how to handle everything. I kinda feel like i have no one to talk to.


  1. Hi -- I apologize for taking so long to respond. Your post got put under a Grandparent section so I think other readers may have missed it.

    First of all I am sorry for your loss. I am assuming from what you wrote that the babies were twin girls? I can only imagine how devastating that would be.

    I hope you know that you can use this blog as a way of reaching out to other dads. After my daughter died, I did not feel like there was anyone that would really understand how I felt as a dad. It was not until I went to the first support group meeting that I even realized there were other men out there willing to talk about their loss. That realization was a huge relief to me.

    As far as how to handle everything, I wish I could give you a path to follow that would make it easier. I'm not sure that is possible, but I will do everything I can to walk with you and encourage others to help in whatever way they think they can. Reaching out here or on other venues like it, is a great first step. Acknowledging that you need someone to talk to is a step that many men find difficult, if not impossible, to take.

    Know that you have every right to feel alone, scared, sad, and overwhelmed with grief. Your loss is huge and it only makes sense that you will find it difficult to face. You might be surprised to know that I have spoken with men who did not feel like they had the right to feel their pain, much less express it to someone else.

    I hope you will ask some more specific questions you are struggling with so that I and others can more directly respond. There are very few issues that I have not heard before, so I could ramble on for a long time and not hit on the ones that are bothering you. Here are just a few questions I might ask you:

    How is your relationship with your partner? Do you feel like you can talk to her about your feelings, or is that difficult?

    Do you have a family member, minister, healthcare caregiver, or co-worker that you trust and feel like you could talk to? Even if they have not experienced your specific type of loss, are there those who are good listeners who would be able to support you?

    Are you open to going to a support group or grief counselor? If so, are there options in your community that would allow you to do so?

    Do you have other children at home?

    Has your workplace been supportive and understanding?

    Know that I am available by phone at 800-631-0973 (ext. 4) if you would like to call. I am somewhat in and out during the day, but will call you back if I miss you.

    Again, I am sorry this took so long to get re-posted. Take care and do stay in touch.

  2. please accept my heartfelt condolences.......... all of the followers on this page represent blogs of people who have "been there". the blog community is an amazing place of compassion and understanding. there are many places that offer memorial jewelry and photos of your girls names if you only ask.... this journey is a long and sorrow filled one. it is full of highs and lows and unexpected twists and turns.... take the time to grieve hard, feel what you feel and be honest with yourself..... your heart will find a resting place one day, but don't rush it.

    click on the links to the followers... you will find friends who understand.

    and take all the pictures you can of the sweet babies, of the funeral, of the flowers.... everything. one day you will cherish it all.


  3. Let me first say that i am so very sorry for your loss. As belle said many of the followers on this blog have lost babies as well and this community of bloggers is a great support in itself. Also a friend of mines who lost three beautiful girls , husband has a forum for grieving dads. i will post the link for you and hope it is some help to you. sending you hugs and prayers.

    I hope this helps

  4. Absolutely, contact Mike at:

    Mike is the father of triplet girls, born to heaven in 2009. He knows this road very well and can be a source of encouragement. Just as Tim is here on this wonderful blog.

  5. I am so sorry for the loss of your girls. I will keep you in my prayers. I know that there is a tough road ahead of you but we can all be here to help.

  6. Thank you for posting my comment on the front page of your blog. I am glad to see the comments they have been helpful.

    Yes, My girls are twins. They were born 18 weeks 5 days. Their names are Avery and Rhyanne.

    My wife started having bleeding on May 25th, from that time on we would have bleeding off and on with no real explaination. the doctor was great and monitored our progress closely and made himself available. During that time we went to the ER once for heavy bleeding and had many utrasounds during the coming weeks. The whole time the girls were developing well and totally healthy. The problem was that my wife had scar tissue in her uterine lining that was being problematic for the placenta to fully attach and spread. As a result the bleeding worsen as the palcenta started to split off. After three days of no sign of bleeding and us feeling like we were in the clear, my wife had some serious hemorrhaging. Our Dr. said she had lost 50% of her blood after a blood transfusion.

    My baby girls were born and died within minutes of life.

    My wife is healing but her heart is broken. I held my babies ten min after they were born and spent about two hours with them alone. I felt as though the died in my hand. I cherish that time with them and will never forget.

    I am experiencing the saddest time in my life.

    I have read through this blog and one other blog and I am grateful for the suggestions and shared stories. It is helping with grieving and coping. for example, I was home while a friend of my wife was in the hospital with her. I was about to stash items away so they would not trigger deep sorrow for my wife. and I read the blog entry about the birthday party. I think it is a better idea to share that momment of storing and returning items when we are both ready.

    I do have kids. My step-son is 17, my step-daughter is 15, I have a son who is 16 and My wife and I have a son that is 8.

    We are meeting with a group called Angel Babies her in Clovis Ca. They will be able to set us up with counceling.

    Today I saw my 8 year old sucking his thumb. He has not done that since he was a toddler. I am concerned for him. He has been amazing during this time.

    Today, I also noticed that I have gotten irratated with people who don't meet my needs with a sense of urgency.

    Please please continue to share your thoughts and respond to my post.

  7. I am very, very sorry to hear of your loss. My husband is in the Marine Corps and when our son died, we worried he would not be able to grieve appropriately due to social constraints.

    Thankfully, that was not the case and he's had lots of support...we've been grateful. There are many men who would be glad to share or communicate with you, as they probably are like my husband and are grateful for anyone willing to reach out.

    Prayers for your wife and you and your family.

  8. Hi -- thank you for sharing more of your story.

    You will probably get sick of people saying to you that the things you are experiencing during your grief are normal. While that is true, I understand that it is not normal for you and can therefore be disturbing and even a little scary.

    The flashes of anger I experienced, I believe, were my attempt to control situations I thought I could because every other part of my life seemed so totally out of control. If these moments are happening at work, it is probably wise to talk to co-workers and help them understand the stress you are under. Sometimes that can help open the door for them to talk to you about your loss (if you want them to).

    In the grief class I lead, we compare the stress we are under while grieving with the steam that builds in a teapot as it boils. Eventually the steam needs to be released or the top will blow off. While the lid does not necessarily totally blow off, it lifts up and releases the steam as necessary. The anger you are experiencing is much the same -- you get to a point that you simply cannot hold everything inside any more, and it comes out in these angry moments. The key to helping that is to find a release -- like this (or other) blogs, talking to friends/family, or going to a grief group or counselor.


  9. I know it is extremely hard to see your children struggling with their sadness. Again, know that they will likely learn how to handle their grief from how you handle yours. I am sure you already are, but do make sure to talk with them often and let them see your tears … it will help them know that it is OK for them to feel the same way. Just like with you, there are no magic answers that will explain to them why these things happen. Often kids are much more able to accept that than we are, but obviously they are all different in how they process it. One thing I would be sure to check is to make sure the 8-year-old especially is not feeling like it is in any way their fault the babies died. Our older daughter, who was 10 at the time, experienced a great deal of guilt when we found out there was a problem with my wife’s pregnancy and that the baby may not live. Because our daughter was not sure she wanted a new baby in the house when she first found out we were expecting, she worried that those thoughts had caused the problems with the pregnancy. We were lucky in that instance, and the baby was fine, but it was a very difficult time because our older daughter was afraid to even tell us what she was feeling.

    You are obviously someone who is very aware of your feelings and willing to reach out. That is going to be a huge advantage to you as you move through this. Even though it is not your purpose in writing, know that others are learning from your words and thoughts and your openness will likely touch many others. That is the beauty of a forum like this – by simply being who we are, we touch others in ways we will never know. I cannot help but believe that is just one of the many gifts our children’s lives will give the world. Stay in touch and do take care.

  10. Hello,
    I too wanted to say how sorry I am to hear your story. It is so sad.

    There are other dads on the net who have been through similar experiences but I remember how isolated I felt back at the beginning.

    If you want to contact me please feel free. I keep a blog (which I think will be linked).

    I will be thinking of you.

    Love to you and your family.

  11. The Kids....I got some serious advice from my wife's OB/Gyn. He said make sure to be extra sensitive to my sons feelings of abandonment. meaning when I say I am going to call him, pick him up at a certain time, be home at a certain time. I need to be extra deligent in making that commitment. If I am going to be late or not be able to make a certain time I should not leave him to his little mind demons.

    I am a teacher so I have been on summer break. I can't think of being in a classroom right now teaching my kiddos right now. Luckly I do not start until Aug 23.

    I have a question? My principal sent out an email explaining what had happened. I have recieved emails from staff and their deep feeling of support. It is appriciated...

    Now I want to return to work without anyone feeling like they cannot talk to me, avoid me or hide their babies from me. I am not a crazed looney. I do not hate babies,twins or girls that have my daughters name. I am open to talk but I am sad and will be sad very a long time.
    Here is an example. I went to school today to drop off some boxes to my classroom. I saw the Janitor at my school. she is a very sweet woman and usually pretty talkative. When she saw me. she waved and keeped her distance. It made me think I should send out an e-mail. Thus my question?.... What should I say or how should I word the e-mail? Suggestions??

  12. I am just seeing this now. I am so so sorry for the loss of your sweet girls. It is very scary to endure this pain. We are living a life that is so common, yet not spoken about at all. The reason why I am commenting is because I wanted to share some of my husbands feelings with you through this.

    He was told from all others to "stay strong for me", "get me back on my feet" he cooked, cleaned, shopped, and told our story....he did all of this without a single person to talk to. Everyone always asked "how is your wife" "is she ok yet" if I had a cold, and he was getting my meds...HE lost his daughter too and yet no one understood that. HE was grieving too and yet no one cared to ask. If I can suggest ANYTHING to you that I wish some one told me from day one...always keep the communication lines with your wife open. Do not feel guilty for any feelings you both have. Embrace the roller coaster you are about to ride. There are LOTS of down dips coming up and ups too...The ups take lots of time. My daughter passed away 5 months ago and I am JUST getting to the ups..but when those downs come they come full force. My husband JUST started to grieve for our daughter about a month and a half ago...I had to "drag" it out of him because he felt like he couldnt let me see....then he told me all the things people were tellling him about NOT letting me see him hurt...THAT was so wrong on so many levels, not that I wanted to see him hurting...I wish we both did not have to..BUT i needed to know he missed her and loved her too. Take advice from those who have been there. Unfortunately you will see only those are the ones who truly "know" and still, each loss is different, each story is different, and each person's grief is different....BUT we can listen and we can comfort you and your wife. My blog is private because of family and friends who began to use my feelings against me, but I would love to add you and your wife to read if you want...please email me at also can tell you that (BBC to bloggers) was my saving grace and if you like I can recommend that loss group for her to talk and for you to talk as well....sad truth is, there are so many men who feel like they can not talk. My husband and I were lucky to meet a fellow group member at the March of dimes walk and he and my husband speak a lot about the babies and they feel "normal" when they do...others just do not get it...My husband says talking to those dads that have lost, makes him feel better...I also see a therapist...Not sure if you or your wife have ever done therapy. This was my first time and she has helped me a lot through this...but the blog community and bbc is really my saving grace....SO so sorry for your loss (((hugs)))

  13. i too have older children who have had a very rough year due to their sister's death. (11,9,8,6 yrs old.)

    one of the things that my 9 yr old in particular found healing was that i got her a webkinz and we named her after her sister so that when she wanted to play with her sister, she could log on and "play" with her. she's knows it's only pretend but she found it healing to have something to hold on to. (if you don't know what webkinz is, go to their website. it's interactive :D educational, and totally kid safe.)

    i also highly recommend some of the memorial jewelry that you can find online. also, small bird studios makes wonderful personalized memory boxes. your son may treasure a place to keep his own memories and thoughts of his sisters.

    i am so sorry that you have joined this community but please know, you are among friends. we welcome your wife as well.

  14. I lost my little boy a couple of weeks ago. He was born at 21 weeks but due to a serious physical condition he died 2 hours later. It was diagnosed just two weeks before and we spent the time travelling from sepecialist to proffesser to mri unit throughout the UK. It was an extremely hard time but I had to continue working in between visits as I'm self employed and could not afford too much time off. My wife did a lot of reading and self diagnosed the issue our son had. It turned out that she was close to the professors diagnosis, but I would not accept it until I heard it from a professional after an mri scan. My wife felt I did not care because I kept saying it would be Ok when she was determined it was terminal. When we were told our baby was going to die, I broke down. My wife and I went into hospital on the Friday morning and he was born on the Monday. He lived for around two hours, in my arms whilst my wife slept off the pain relief. I watched my little boy slowly drift away in my arms. It hurt me more than anything ever had.
    The following day I had to return to work. My wife was horrified with me and made it very clear she thought I did not care. I tried to talk to her but she simply said that I was glad it was over so j could get on with my life.
    Before we burried him, my wife was talking about tryingfor another baby. I tried to explain that iI was not ready to go through that all over again so soon. She saw this as me being selfish and has persecuted me since.
    I'm now in a situation where my wife is so sure that I don't care about our son, and that I have somehow found it a relief that I cannot stand to be in her company as I'm constantly told how I feel.
    I have tried to talk to her. She says she will be there for me but I have no possible was of telling her how I actually feel as she has already made her mind up.

    Im terrified of going through the same thing again, especially so soon. I ish I could be there to support my wife more but all it ends in is rowing about how she presumes I feel.

    I feel since my son has gone our relationship has fallen apart and I have nowhere to turn now.

    I cannot explain something like this to my friends as I have no words to discribe it.
    Sometimes I worry, what if she is right. The only way I can stop myself breaking down is by filling my head with other thoughts / work / whatever.
    How do you ever deal with what has happened?

  15. I lost my little baby girl cheyanne she was 7 months 2 days old I am alone as my partner has moved home to her family and I am greaving alone has some one been threw this alone if so how did you do it I feel so alone

  16. Does anyone check this anymore?