This is one of those posts where I know I might not get any responses, but I'm going to write it anyway.
Do you remember what you thought, felt, dreamed of, when you first found out you were going to be a dad? When first hearing the news, whether it's our first child or fourth, many of us picture ourselves fathering the expected baby. It might be envisioning yourself pacing the living room in the middle of the night with a baby that won't stop crying. Maybe it's taking the child to their first matinee on a Saturday afternoon. Or, maybe it's anticipating the day they will leave for college and wondering how you will ever be able to afford it?
So, what happens when those dreams are shattered? The dreams certainly change, but do they go away? It seems like we not only get robbed of being able to live those dreams, many of us never even get the chance to share them with anyone. Being guys, we sometimes think that to do that would somehow be strange
So, if you like, I hope you will use this blog to tell us what you felt and what you imagined your life would be like with this child. I think it will be good for all of us to know we weren't alone in having dreams, and hopefully it will feel good to have a place to let the world know what they were.
Any takers?
OK -- this post was a dud. Tell me why -- and don't hold back!
ReplyDeleteOne of the more difficult things my wife and I struggle with is our dreams and aspirations of our son. Our son was to be 9 months old on Friday February 19th. I find it very difficult when I see children his age especially young boys. I stare at the child as if it were my own. I think what colors he would like up to what music he would like. In high school what would the hair style trend be and what is his favorite subject. I see my son in every little boy with redish blonde hair from infant to high school. We do not have other children so we can't shift attention and focus on another child. We can just pray that God blesses us with another child. When we found out about our sons heart condition at 25 months the cardiologist explained it as "Will your child be an Olympic athlete, No, but can they be President? Yes." As you can imagine we focused on our sons education from week 25 of pregnancy and will wonder for the rest of our life. You always want your child to have it better than yourself. But when your child isn't there your mind wanders. This was a great topic. I thank God I was brought to your blog.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your comments, Dave. Your words are beautiful and capture both the pain of loss and the amazing love we feel for our children.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you that the dreams become less painful as you heal. I often find myself wondering what Kathleen would have been like as an adult, what she would have looked like in a wedding dress, and where she would have ended up living. But, I also find myself being able to smile as I think about those things rather than being so sad like I was in the early years.
Please stay in touch as you approach your son's birthday -- I hope we can be here to support you and help you find ways to both celebrate that day and feel like you can survive it. That was a very tough time for me, and my heart goes out to you.
Take care and thanks again.
Tim
Today was a rough day for me and so I sought comfort in reading people's blogs. I just finished writing a message to our baby's father about just this exact topic.
ReplyDeleteOur son was full-term and would have been 7 months and he was our first child and even moreso we have many dreams for him. I was so sure I was going to have the best baby. I imagined a baby that wouldn't cry and would develop quickly and would be bi, if not tri-lingual. He would know his cultural backgrounds and practice the traditions. He would play many musical instruments, be athletic and be one of the top in his class. He would be a sweet child and grow to be a man of virtues.
I still wonder what his voice would sound like and how it would be to hear him laugh. Would he be crawling by now and having his first tooth. What would he want to be when he grows up and what he would do with his life. What languages would he speak and if he still looked like his father as he did when he was born or would his looks change to be more like me. :-)
I don't think this feeling of wondering will ever leave me. Even though I know these questions will never be answered, I still wonder in case that might change one day.
This is another one of those times when I wish I had an answer for you or some words that would help you not feel such sadness. One more time, I don't.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I can say is, don't ever stop dreaming or believing. As I mentioned previously, with time I think those dreams become more comforting and less painful. In the meantime, I think it's important to let yourself feel what you are feeling and finding ways to express yourself. While it may not be your #1 goal, I believe what you have to say will help many others who have a harder time putting thoughts into words.
In the grief class I sometimes facilitate, I end the ten week session with a short story about standing alone in a dark room, looking at a large fish tank. As you stand there, some beautiful bright colored fish swim forward and you are struck by their vivid color and beauty. Just as you are enjoying that moment, they swim away and a very ugly gray shark fish swims out of the darkness right at you. It startles you and makes you want to retract. But again, that fish swims off and a school of guppies swim by. They are in one of those symmetrical arrow formations and swim in perfect unison, seemingly following every move of the lead fish.
That story in a very oversimplified way represents what life can be. It's important to recognize the beauty, but it's equally important to acnkowledge the ugliness and darkness. But, don't ever lose your ability to be struck by the awe and wonder of those things you can't really understand.
I am thinking of you both and wish you the best moving forward.